Already posted at my book blog, but moved here - any more in this series will also be here.
AKA The Road to the Trojan War
SPARTA, a long time ago
HELEN was the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, so all the kings of Greece wanted to marry her. Her father, TYNDAREUS - well, technically her stepfather as her biological father was ZEUS who seduced her mother LEDA in the form of a swan (as you do) - was King of Sparta and afraid that if he chose one king over the others they would turn hostile. The last thing anyone needs is all the monarchs of Greece turning up on their doorstep to wage war.
It looked like there would be a fight anyway, until WILY ODYSSEUS came up with a solution:
WILY ODYSSEUS: How about we all agree that we'll support the marriage of Helen regardless of who her father chooses for her? In other words, if anything threatens the marriage, we attack it.
TYNDAREUS: Yes, that sounds fair, and I fail to see how that could lead to all of Greece going to war against a foreign power. It is a truly cunning plan, Odysseus. Bearing that in mind, I choose Menelaus for Helen because he has money.
WILY ODYSSEUS: In payment for fixing this problem I want to marry your niece, Penelope, whose marriage you also have control over.
TYNDAREUS: Fine, fine, she's ugly compared to Helen and far too smart for a girl. Take her off my hands.
And so it came to pass that Menelaus married Helen and became King of Sparta. His brother, Agamemnon, King of Mycanae, married Helen's sister, Clytemnestra. Wily Odysseus married Penelope and took her back to Ithaca. And everything seemed right with the Greek world.
MEANWHILE, in a field outside TROY
PARIS, son of KING PRIAM, is watching some sheep when HERA, ATHENE and APHRODITE appear before him.
ATHENE: We have a problem and have decided that the only person who can help us is a callow youth who will no doubt make a daft choice. You're the first one we saw.
HERA: This Golden Apple has been awarded by Eris, Goddess of Strife, to whichever of us is the most beautiful. We cannot decide who is the most beautiful. It's as if Eris wanted to cause problems.
APHRODITE: We need an outside judge to help us. Zeus claimed conflict of interest, Poseidon and Hades have disappeared, and Apollo told us to bugger off. So it's down to you, Paris, to choose which of us is the most beautiful.
ATHENE: Being deities, we are prepared to resort to bribery. Choose me and I will make you the wisest man in the world.
HERA: Choose me and I will make you the most powerful man in the world.
APHRODITE: Choose me and I will give you the Most Beautiful Woman in the World.
PARIS: Hmm, wisdom, power or sex? Aphrodite is the most beautiful.
ATHENE: Oh, excellent, and I suppose you two geniuses remember that the Most Beautiful Woman in the World is already married?
APHRODITE: Psh, technicality.
And so Paris went to SPARTA and left with Helen, either because a) she really did love him more than Menelaus, or b) Aphrodite put a love spell on her. Whichever is true, Helen had eloped, her marriage to Menelaus was threatened, and the Greeks now had to go to war with Troy to get her back. The Greeks set about gathering their forces.
ITHACA
WILY ODYSSEUS: I can't go to Troy, even though this pact over Helen was my idea. I'm too insane to fight, watch as I sow my fields with salt and then plough them even though I'm king and have poor people to do that.
PALAMEDES: Wily Odysseus, we're not buying this. You're sane, mate, time to go to war. Look, here's your new born son, Telemachus, I'm putting him in front of the plough. If you're really insane you'll run him over.
WILY ODYSSEUS: Guess I have to go to Troy, then. Bye, Penny, I'll be back in a couple of years, see you soon.
SKYROS
WILY ODYSSEUS: Right, where's Achilles? If I have to go and fight then so does he.
THETIS: I'm not telling you where my son is, except to say that he's definitely not here, disguised as a woman.
WILY ODYSSEUS: One of those women over there, you mean? Hello, ladies, I have a fine selection of jewellery and weaponry for sale, take your pick.
WOMEN: Ooh, jewellery.
ACHILLES: Cool, a sword!
THETIS: Dammit, Achilles, now you have to go to Troy and die!
AULIS: The Gathering of the Greek Forces
AGAMEMNON: Where's the wind? We can't sail without wind.
CALCHAS THE PROPHET: You know that deer you killed last night? Well, it was sacred to Artemis and now she's pissed off so you have to sacrifice your eldest daughter, Iphigenia, if we're ever going to sail.
CLYTEMNESTRA: There's no way he'll sacrifice our daughter, no way.
AGAMEMNON: Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
ACHILLES: Fine, then we'll put Palamedes in charge.
AGAMEMNON: *sacrifices Iphigenia*
CLYTEMNESTRA: You wait till you get back from Troy.
TROY
HECTOR: Right, Dad, you know you said it was great when my idiot little brother returned with Helen?
KING PRIAM: Yes.
HECTOR: And you know you said I was being overly pessimistic when I predicted that her husband would not be pleased?
KING PRIAM: Yes.
HECTOR: Well, I hate to say 'I told you so' but a thousand Greek ships have appeared on the horizon and there are rumours that they're here to besiege us and burn the topless towers of Ilium and generally wage war against us until we give Helen back.
PARIS: I don't want to give her back.
KING PRIAM: I don't see why we should give in to a vast army that could destroy our home.
HECTOR: Fine, fine, I'll go down and defend the beach, then. It's not like this whole thing could be sorted out diplomatically or that it'll end up lasting ten years and causing untold loss of life. I'm sure it'll be over soon enough.
